Barney's Blog - 1x12: Barney's Mail "Sack"

From time to time I like to dip into my sack and respond to desperate appeals for help in all things Barney. Please feel free to email your own concerns to me: If nothing else, they're good for a laugh, losers.

Dear Barney:

I'm about to go on a blind date and I'm a little nervous. I let the girl plan everything and fear I'm headed for a night of romantic Victorian era movies or ballet. Did I make a mistake?

Blind in Bristol

Dear Blind in Bristol,

Ah yes, the blind date… my old nemesis. Most people shudder at the thought - uncomfortable greetings, awkward silences, the possibility of spending an evening alone with a heffer - but only a rare and blessed few appreciate the majestic beauty and golden opportunity that a blind date can afford. Sadly, you must do your homework.

Consider this, Barneyphiles: A blind date is but a simple game of intelligence gathering. After conducting your standard reconnaissance (google searches, online friendship sites, police records, etc.), you're usually left in the dark regarding the most important questions about your date, for instance: "Will her roommate be interested in splitting cable… my cable?" By allowing her to plan the date venue, you've ingeniously tricked her into showing her hand, and hopefully that hand is steadily creeping up your leg.

Below are five common date arenas that women suggest for blind dates, and more importantly, what each of them mean in translation. Use these as a guide, but remember, Blind in Bristol, should things get hairy (figuratively and/or literally), your old friend the Lemon Law is there to bail you out.

Blind Date Venue Dictionary
(Note: If she's an "8" or above, you may disregard the following)

Dance Club/Beach - Homerun! You get to see the real her… in a skimpy outfit. What else could you possibly need to know? This chiquita is a keeper, at least for the evening. (Bonus: If you're less than impressed or happen to be related to her, there are tons of available peaches ripe for the picking.)

"Fancy" Restaurant - Two words: Lemon Law. She already demands too much. If she expects someone to "pepper her salad" and "refold her napkin," just imagine what lifeless participation she'll offer in the bedroom.

Meet the Parents - Pull chute. She's clingy, unstable, and worse yet, probably poor. Get out! Unless… her mom is really hot. Like a 12. Then, you should stick around. You never know how these things play out.

Drinks at a Bar - A fairly common date. Seems like a slam dunk, right? Not so fast, Trebek. This sand-trap actually requires deeper observational skills. If she's a lush, she's either a lot of fun, or emotionally unstable, and perhaps not "hot emotionally unstable." Either way there's a good chance you'll be carrying her out of the bar, and that's not exactly the workout you had in mind.

Mini-Golfing - Thrives off competition. Potentially a lesbian, and not in a good way. She certainly won't sleep with you unless you lose… badly. Swallow your pride, gentlemen, and remember the old saying, "A hole-in-one at the end of the night is better than a free game putt through the clown's mouth."

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