Barney's Blog - 1x16: Launching a thousand relationships


Once again my lagging pupil, Ted, has proven how little of my advice he actually absorbs from day to day. The minute he found the strength of character to embark on the amazing journey that is a long-distance relationship, something I have been advocating for years, he admitted he would not be seeing other girls during said relationship, clearly missing the point entirely.

Now, we all know long-distance is delightful. An L-D-R provides S-E-X in two outstanding locations, at home and abroad, at highly controllable intervals. A man in an LDR secretes the irresistible pheromone nature bestows upon all men with girlfriends, which the babes on the home front will sniff out like a trained pig targeting truffles in the woods. And it is nearly impossible for long-distance girlfriends to keep tabs on what you are doing at any given moment. The pros and cons tell it all.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Long-Distance Relationships

A matrix by Barney Stinson

Pros



  • Guaranteed sex
  • Save $$ on constant dates
  • Vastly diminishes chance of getting caught in bed with her friend(s)
  • Easy to break off (via telegram)
  • Offers "I'm in relationship" excuse if ever caught in room of horny heifers
  • Exposure to new languages, cultures
  • Chicks dig dudes with girlfriends
  • Cons



  • ???


  • But friends, a long-distance girlfriend is not a wife. Long-distance girlfriends are the Lays potato chips of women. They are meant to be enjoyed in massive quantities, with tasty dips and spreads. As you can see on the accompanying chart, the more long-distance relationships you have, the more guaranteed sex partners you have. It's simple math, and one of the very few times math can get you laid. 

    But as great as they are, it is true what they say: "Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, even when you are only maintaining five or six." Trying to keep track of the backstories and groundrules you've created with your girlfriends is a dangerous juggling act, and one for which I recommend a dedicated assistant. Failing that, a detailed spreadsheet can allow you to quickly brush-up before encountering a long-distance girlfriend. Here's an excerpt of the one that got me through the first quarter of '06.

    NAME
    PET NAME
    WHERE SHE'S FROM
    THINKS I'M FROM
    WHERE WE MET
    NOTES
    Tiffani
    Snookie
    UC Davis
    Israel
    Oktoberfest -(brewage and Animal Husbandry major)
    Thinks I'm in mandatory military service, do not call till '09
    Joanne
    Cookie
    Chicago
    South Africa
    On holiday in Barbados
    Told her was pirate
    Saadet
    N/A
    Stockholm
    Houston
    First class lavatory
    Space program
    Kelly S.
    Pookie
    Toronto
    Isle
    of Man
    Baccarat table, Foxwoods
    Use British accent (north-midfordshire)
    Kelly R.
    Puddin' Pop
    New York
    Killarney
    Laser Tag
    Have also wooed her as own twin brother, Sampson
    Carolyn(line?)
    N/A
    Portland, Maine
    Austria
    Aunt's funeral
    Peanut allergy, dead aunt 

    Hanna
    Muffin
    Dresden
    Shreveport
    Kenyan Safari
    Gets car-sic

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