Barney's Blog - 1x17: Road to my pants

Unsurprisingly and not upsettingly, March Hotness was pushed back when I realized the venue, My Pants, had been double-booked with an Airline Stewardess Convention. Needless to say, My Pants honored its prior commitment to hosting these forty-six highly professional ladies and hopes they will consider convening in My Pants again should the need ever arise. (Mine certainly did.)

March Hotness resumed, with a vengeance, twelve to thirty minutes later. In an upset victory, Distant But Hot Cousin trounced Freshly-Eighteen-Year-Old Girl with her been-around-the-block attitude and clever snark about various Distant Aunts and Uncles.

Taller-Than-You Chick defeated Mute Chick in a blowout, as her inability to talk dirty ruined all role-playing scenarios except Silent Film, which is fun, but gets old.

In addition to not being that hot, Funny Chick was surprisingly prudish. You'd think she would have tried harder, but she ceded an easy and self-deprecating victory to Grieving Widow, who really did seem to just want to feel alive again.

The Librarian won a default victory to the Island Native, who turned out to be from Queens.

Against my better judgment, I had to award the match to Cheerleader over first-seeded Lebanese Girl, although I still hold that Lebanese Cheerleader would be a force to be reckoned with. Maybe next year.

Porn Star made a strong showing early in the match, successfully not ordering any pizza and yet gamely enjoying a hot slice anyway, but her hotness level plummeted when Alien Chick sucked her tiny brain out of her ear. Bad move, Porn Star.

Catholic Schoolgirl couldn't keep up with Farmer's Daughter, who had many of the same repressed-but-wild-inside qualities but was both stronger and more cardiovascularly fit.

Finally, in the most hotly-anticipated round of this year, High School Lacrosse Champion and Recently Released Female Convict found themselves well-matched…extremely well-matched, as each fell victim to the other's bi-curious charms. They're on a cruise right now, somewhere, exploring these new and confusing emotions and, one can only hope, getting it all on camera. Fortunately for the fans, Airline Stewardess was more than ready to step in and fill the vacant Cliché Chicks slot. Trust me, she's more than up to the challenge.

Help me "fill in my brackets" by voting for the hotter chicks in these match-ups.


  • Cheerleader

  • VS.
  • Alien Chick


  • Farmer's Daughter

  • VS.
  • Airline Stewardess


  • Distant But Hot Cousin

  • VS.
  • Taller-Than-You-Chick


  • Grieving Widow

  • VS.
  • Librarian
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