Barney's Blog - 2x12: Popping your Big Apple

Welcome to the greatest city on the planet. Undoubtedly, you'll want to make your first time in New York a memorable and enjoyable experience. I've experienced many, many first timers-many--so I'm a natural choice to be your guide. Here is a handy pocket guide to help make your first time in New York a success.

SUBWAY
Your first time on the subway can be risky business, but it's well worth the $2 fare. The same amount of enjoyable, work-free shaking would cost you well over $6 in your average motel massage bed. But exercise caution: touching the third rail can lead to a premature end of your first-time experience.

BROADWAY SHOW
Ah, the Great White Way. The lights, the sounds, the dark, hidden crevices of age-old theaters. Musicals tend to be better for first-timers than, say, one-woman shows. Singing and tap dancing provide the perfect cover for you and your partner to hit your own high notes. But remember, don't try to sneak backstage your first time.

UNITED NATIONS
New York is the capital of the world, and you'll certainly want to taste her international flavors. While it's great to exercise your diplomatic skills with people from around the world, be sure to wrap yourself in your nation's flag for protection. You don't want your first foreign experience to be your last. No need to worry about communication barriers; the language of love is universal.

MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
New York is renowned both for its modernity and its art. Combine the two and visit the world-famous MOMA. There, first timers can create their own modern-art masterpieces. Several lucky ladies have credited yours truly with inspiring their own "artistic" awakenings. Be wary of the security staff and remember: flash photography is permitted, but be sure to ask before you touch anything.

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