Barney's Blog - 2x15: Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Dear Uncle Barney,

In the fall, I was cut from JV football. In the winter, I was cut from JV basketball. And now, in the spring, I’ll probably be cut from JV baseball. How will I ever get chicks if I’m not awesome at sports?

-Brian Kaufmann, Maryland

Dear Brian,

Have I failed you? Have I not made the path to awesomeness clear? Scoring a chick using athletic ability is like Michelangelo using a sledgehammer to carve the David. Sure, it can be done, but there are other tools that do the job better. (Yeah, you know what tool I mean.) But, since your mind is in the right place, I will reveal the secret to athletic success. Ready?

You just do them.

Sports are easy. I recently ran the New York City Marathon without even a day of training. Why? Because training the body is a waste of time. Why do something over and over when it only counts once? That’s like going on more than one date with someone.

Once you realize that so-called “athletic talent” is all in your mind, it becomes a simple matter of selecting the sport that maximizes your Chick Attractiveness Potential, or CAP. You think Johnny Third-String on the football team is going to get more chicks than Johnny World Champion Javeler? Javelier? Javelinist? One who throws a javelin. Individual sports are where it’s at.* Women are simple creatures: Too much movement makes it difficult for them to focus. Lend them a hand. Select a sport where the target is clear: You.

*notable exception: Laser Tag

Included below is a selection from my forthcoming self-help book, “I’m Gonna Teach You How to Live.” Good luck, Brian.

-The Barnacle


Running: Start running. Don’t stop.

Bowling: Roll heavy ball into pins. Wear funny shoes.

Long Jump: Jump. Long.

High Jump: Jump. High.

Bull Riding: Hold on. After 8 seconds, let go. Run. (See Above)

Jai Alai: Jai. Alai.

Speed Skating: Skate fast. Turn left.

Horse Racing: Sit on horse.

Rock Climbing: Find a rock. Climb it. Don’t fall.

Diving: Jump into water.

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